Delhi 6 - A case of twisted ankle at the touch line

Guys, this is my first attempt at movie reviews. Actually had written this for passionforcinema.com. Thus you may find an uncharacteristic civility in the tone. But as the PFC guys did not print it, you all are to become my victims.

Imagine having a whale of a time with your family in a one of those fascinating fairs with lots of rides, bhel puris and 'Maut ka Kuwa'-motorcycle shows.
You are up on the merry-go-round and just as it is about to make that jaw shattering drop, the machine stops. Everything comes to a standstill and Arundhati Roy climbs all the way up a ladder to where you are sitting and gives you a tight slap. Before you comprehend whats happening, she slaps you again and starts an half an hour monologue on the problems faced by farmers due to the Narmada Dam and berates you for your audacity to have fun when people out there are suffering. Well thats pretty much how I felt while watching Delhi 6, so ridiculous was the sudden and completely unnecessary smattering of morality upon the poor unsuspecting viewers who were all having a gala time.

The story had begun awesomely well. The earnestness of the camera while shooting the lanes of Chandi Chowk along with all her nuances gives you a genuine feeling of warmth and belongingness. The characters are full of life and truth and the ensemble cast deliver crackling performances. Rishi Kapoor in yet another superbly measured performance as an old friend of Roshan's father, Deepak Dobriyal as the lovable Jalebi-wala Mamdu, Pavan Malhotra and Om Puri as two warring brothers and the exceedingly beautiful Bua, Aditi Rao Hyadri all turn in superlative performances to significantly raise the bar of the movie. I thought the pick of the wonderful cast was Vijay Raaz as the despicable local policeman who made me cringe with the profanity he brought into his character.

Sonam Kapoor has such a vivacious and infectious smile that you would just wonder at what the devil had possesed Sanjay Leela Bhansali to cast her in a movie as Sawariya. But of course this was probably one of his lesser offences compared to the grave cinematic injuries that the movie had inflicted upon us in the name of entertainment. Rarely had any 'entertainment' before Sawariya left the audience beaten so Black and Blue.
However in Delhi 6 Sonam just yaps and yaps her way into your hearts and surely we want to see more of this Jhakkas girl.
Abhishek Bachchan is certainly not one of my favourite actors but he too turns in quite a pleasant performance. The American accent was quite ridiculous but was compensated for with some genuinely authentic expressions through his journey of self realisation in the midst the bustle of Old Delhi.

The love story is beautifully underplayed and most of the scenes are quite clever. The lovely picturisation of the 'Dil Gira Daftaan' song where Abhishek amalgamates his Indianness with his western upbringing is truly a viewer's delight. Special mention of the remote control scene which was soaked with original humor.

So what in the story doesn't work ?
First and foremost, the repeated usage of the 'Kala Bandar' concept which I think the director used to metaphorise the black devil residing within each of us.I believe an art of filmmaking is to convey the meaning through subtleties. However if the director assumes you to be an idiot and gives individual attention to opening up your skull and hammerring in his ideas, the comprehension is often spoilt with the brazenness of the narration.

What was working in Delhi 6's favour was actually the seeming lack of direction in its story. The moment the makers of the film thought of giving it a direction, and much worse a commercially motivated direction, the whole foundation of the movie came crashing down. The idea was to pass a message somehow to the audience but it seems no one had a clue what that message should be and by the time the movie reached its grotesque climax, it was just plain desperation in display. Someone needed to tell Rakesh Omprakash Mehra that Basanti was just not the Rang required here.
Already enough has been said and written about the climax, so I will avoid going into the details but if an award is ever announced to honour scenes which butchered a complete movie, the heaven sequence will have few competitors.I guess the Jalebi in that scene too was a metaphor signifying our knotted brains being chewed by Abhishek and his Dad.

Indian audience is open to intelligent cinema now. The success of directors such as Vishal Bharadwaj, Rajat Kapoor and Anurag Kashyap is testimony to the fact that the audience is maturing.
Delhi 6, while promising much, ends up disappointing the audience and what is really sad is that only if the director had not had the preaching attack, this one would have been quite enjoyable.

Hum honge Kaam-iyaab ek din

One more Valentine's Day came and went by and my status in all social networking sites still remains unchanged. Not that I am in any hurry to change it either but when you hear of awe-inspiring achievements of 13 year old whizkids such as this, one does tend to get a little retrospective.

While this chocolate-faced kid was excelling in his Fornication practicals, I probably at his age had not even realised the complete responsibilities of the male hand.
In those days, the Hindi film industry contributed no less to this lack of knowledge with their rampant misrepresentation of basic facts making us young minds think that if a man gets too near a woman, both would turn into head banging yellow Dahlias ! Whatever was the intelligent metaphor in this representation of sexual activity, I fail to understand even today.
However the movies have become more informative over the years and if there was an Oscar for best dialogue in a motion picture, this one which I randomly came across would have won hands down (not literally of course). It went like this:

"Jaise ek Ration ka dukan har hafte ek din band rehta hai, Ek aurat ka Pyar ka Dukaan bhi mahine me chaar din band rehta hai"

Whoa !! Now, 'Consortium of Loose Women', Please don't send me Pink Chaddis . I had nothing to do with this. Sparkling Red would more suit my personality.

(A tin of Ferrero Rocher to anyone who names the movie.....Hint: Antonym of a hit Bipasha Basu movie)

Often we hear of debates on whether sex education should be a made a part of the school curriculum but every time such a debate rages, I wonder how these guys actually plan to impart this 'education'? I mean imagine this....

Curious Kid: "Ma'am, where do babies come from"
Teacher(caught unawares) : "Ah babies...yeah right babies...where do they come from now..alright.. You know the storks......
Curious Kid : Oh cmon teacher, don't give me the stork story. My aunt had a baby yesterday and when I asked her this same question she said something about horny evenings in a car backseat with no protection"
Teacher ( oh damn this slut of an aunt). Well well..Thats not exactly how it works...A baby develops inside a female body after the successful fusion of the male sperm with the female egg "
Curious Kid : I see.
Teacher: So you understand right.
Curious Kid : Yes but what is a sperm ? What is fusion and can you females all lay eggs then ?
Teacher: Oh no no no...slow down ...Well sperms are like those tadpoles we saw the other day....only much smaller....
Curious Kid : Ah so now we have frogs too...Quite a zoo we had inside my aunt's stomach! No wonder it got so big ..So how did this sperm thinghy get inside my aunt?
Teacher: Well..right ..yes your uncle put it in there
Curious Kid : Really ? But why would he want to put the tadpoles in my aunt's stomach when they have that big aquarium in their house. He could have put it in there...isn't it.
Teacher: Tch..Tch.. No he had to put it inside your aunt for the baby to grow you see.
Curious Kid : Right. So did aunt have to eat this tadpole ?
Teacher: Oh no No .You don't eat these tadpoles ...Well ..Er..
Curious Kid : No ?? So how did it go in ?
Teacher: What ...what went in ??
Curious Kid : The tadpole ..what else ?
Teacher: Ah the tadpole ..yes .. Are you sure that you didn't see any storks near the hospital?

Or ones like this

Curious Kid : "Dad whats a condom?"
Dad : "Something which could have saved me from answering this question,son"

And we haven't even reached at the more complex questions.
But while it may be a tough task to satisfy the curiosity of the kids of this generation it is quite unacceptable to read of such news which shakes the very foundations of morality.
Ha Ha Ha Ha ....whom am I kidding...!!! Wait ...can I even use the word kidding anymore ???

Kala Ghoda Festival -55 Word Stories

The theme for this year was Cheating.
These entries were an attempt to be unnecessarily intellectual. No wonder the judges kicked me out.
The winning entries can be found here

Below were my entries:


********************************(I)************************************************

He promised her for the umpteenth time that he would catch the earliest possible flight tomorrow. The sudden realization that Ayala was already five brought a smile to Abraham’s face as he collected his coat and wished the gentlemen a pleasant evening. There was some commotion at the reception.

The autopsy would reveal five bullets.

*********************************(II)***********************************************


I promise to bring electricity and drinking water to your village.
I promise to root out corruption.
I promise to generate more means of employment.
I promise to be secular and not fan regionalism.
I promise to provide you education.
I promise to uphold the principles of democracy.
I promise you Justice, Equality and Liberty.

*******************************(III)*************************************************

Her luscious lips chained his wayward thoughts as their bodies dissolved in the frenzied heat. The mad rhythm of his hardened flesh rattling the softness of her womanhood and their wild cries of passion conjoined to create pulsating sonata of raw energy. Heavy breathing interludes.

“And……… Cut.” “Nice expressions Christina. Let’s all break for lunch.”

********************************(IV)************************************************

Sanjay was always a big hit with his nephews. He was more of one among them and his annual visits to India invariably translated to unlimited frolic and tonight was the big movie night. Yippee!
Steamed spicy sweetcorn, Samosas, tons of popcorn, gallons of Pepsi and the opening credits…………

RamGopal Varma presents ‘RGV Ki Aag’

********************************(V)************************************************

The weed fogged the path of sanity. Trees had radiant blue fishes hung by their tails while headless demons danced around the pyre of his emotions. “Bitch”. The Priest was Breaking the Law. Snakes bit hard and ladders led to infinity. He gulped thirty white moons.

Consciousness gifted him a revengeful headache. Damn fake medicines!

********************************************************************************
More information on the contest can be found here.

2009 starts with three Bangs !!!

Yippeee !!! The new year has arrived and I spent a very interesting hour on the very first day trying to contact my parents and sister after the new year celebratory fireworks in my city of Guwahati left a measly number of five people dead and around 50 odd injured. ..Tch..Tchh..Blasts not even worth mentioning actually !!

So heres wishing you all a very Happy Year ahead and alongwith it wishing you all loads of luck.
For it is luck alone that is proving to be the biggest Saviour of common men who are stupid enough to go and buy vegetables in crowded markets, who are crazy to go and have a drink at their favourite hangouts and for still catching the local train to work.... There is no one but us to blame now. We cannot say that we were not forewarned.

So Lord, forget about wealth, health and prosperity. Just give us a larger share of luck . We may just manage to get back home in one piece each day of the year.

Jingle all the way.....

Four days from today is Christmas, a day when we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. As with all festivals, we celebrate the occasion with a lot of fervour, enthusiasm and alcohol in India.The colourful lights, music of the soothing Christmas carols adding on to the mirth and festivity of this joyous occasion. 

Rewinding the tape of life by three years, I'd like to share with all of you my experiences of the first Christmas that I spent in England. It goes somewhat like this:

Christmas Eve: The office ended and the bars opened half a day earlier than usual. With office anyway functioning at quarter strength, only some people who had bid items on ebay could get some useful work done during the morning hours.  The bars witnessed animated discussions as it was full of married men, most of whom had curiously forgotten to inform their wives that it was a half day at office. By 6 pm it was time for them to head back home but not before they came up with a good reason that could be attributable for their drunken shapes.  As uniformity in the version of  stories is supremely important in such matters of connivance, most agreed that they would say that it was the birthday party of a dear friend and inspite of their unwillingness to go were dragged into the same and made to drink.If we left the unwillingness bit, this story was completely true if they actually added one small insignificant detail that this dear friend of theirs was actually born around two thousand and five years back.  

At the Stroke of Christmas: Four of us bachelors, two of whom unfortunately no longer share the same marital status, decided to bring in the Christmas in style and thought of hitting the discotheque at the stroke of midnight where surely blondes would get drunk and behave as drunk blondes are expected to.

Two such heavily built mean looking creatures guarded the entrance of the disco, that we were almost discouraged in our plans but we took the chance anyway. These descendants of Goliath are very aptly called Bouncers for if you were to ever fall in their bad books, they could, easily making pulp of all your bones, turn you into a rubbery substance which when kicked once, would continue bouncing till eternity. 

Usually free on other nights, there was a cover charge of £10 in the disco that night which we willingly paid. More than the enthusiasm to enjoy the disco, the fear of being beaten up by the two men contributing to our quick parting with the money.

As we climbed the stairs, we were all spiked with the anticipation of the thrill awaiting us as the vision of drunk blondes started floating once again and we winked at each other. This is going to be a night to remember.

We rushed and pushed open the gates and sounds of some heavy music greeted us as we entered the huge disco.  Bring it on England we cheered !!!

The music stopped and expressions altered.

We looked around ourselves and realised that apart from three middle-aged male bar-tenders , we were the only ones inside the discotheque !!! Our first reaction was that this was the way they greeted all new entrants and then the whole crowd would now descend upon us from all directions pushing and shoving us into the grind of the dance floor where we would then dance our hearts out.

Such hopes were to remain confined to our imaginations, for even half and hour later, there were just two new joinees and both belonging to a gender that did not interest us. The invisible DJ played out some unbearably loud and crass music and the dance floor remained virgin on that night. At the stroke of midnight, we wished Jesus a very happy birthday and left the disco with heavy hearts and lighter wallets. A night to remember it indeed was.

An old Hindi saying which comes as a four letter acronym  starting with 'K' that describes the treachery to an upright object would have aptly described the situation here.

OK, so it did not turn out the way we wanted it to. So what?  It was Christmas the next day. Hurrah. We would have a blast and compensate for all that we missed at the discotheque. With such optimism in mind and beer in stomach, we slept off.

Christmas : Woke up early the next day for I was really enthusiastic to see how a Christmas day would be like in this country. Strangely I had not seen any of those colourful paper stars hanging outside the houses here and wondered if that was something typical to our Indian way of celebrating Christmas I ventured into the streets and my first reaction left me speechless. 

Ah no it was not the scale of the festivity which induced this reaction. It was the fact that I was the ONLY LIVING SOUL standing there with no sign of any other life in my vicinity. For a brief moment I felt like Tom Cruise in the War of the Worlds. But soon I saw myself on a shop window and the moment vanished. Damn the law of reflection.

Questions were whizzing around in my mind. Had the aliens finally struck and annihilated all life ? Was I the only man alive and if yes then had they spared Heidi Klum too , or Jessica Alba, okay Scarllet Johannson then? I saw my reflection again, bringing sanity back to such chain of thoughts.

But truly I was at my wits end (which is fairly easy to reach anyway)  trying to find an explanation to this extreme oddity of complete lifelessness on Christmas day. Priyanka Chopra maybe ?

The shops were all closed which was kind of okay as people would want to take a break for the occasion. 

But the fact that there was absolutely no vehicular traffic at all was what contributed to the eerie chillness in the whole environment. I roamed around the town centre in search of some semblance of humanity but there was none to be found. Completely baffled I made my way back to the house half hoping actually half wishing to find my roommates sucked away by some alien spaceship. But that joy, I was to be deprived of.

I came to know that all public transportation remains closed on Christmas day and being a day of family get-togethers most preferred to stay indoors which explained the lack of cars in the roads.

But this was crazy !! It was Christmas day and in the absence of a car, here we were stuck inside the house with no laptops, no stock of beer, one DVD of Gadar and a DVD player with a lost remote which meant that one could only watch Disc 1 where the focus defaulted when you turned it on. Awesome !! 

And if you are wondering why didn't we try out TV then you should actually watch the programmes dished out on the 4 free to view channels. Butchering you with boredom is an art they pride themselves with.

Thus I spent my first Christmas in the UK.

Boxing Day : I am kind of quite hungry now so will quickly wrap this up. It snowed on Boxing Day and we clicked pictures like madmen. Tried to make snowmen but the snow wasn't that thick and mostly we ended up with distorted snowfrogs. Tomatoes and carrots which we had brought out to make the eyes and noses of snowmen with, went back into the refrigerator. 

Trains were back on so we thought of making the shopping trip to Blue Waters which we had heard was the largest shopping mall of UK and Boxing Day was supposed to the day of heavy discounts much like Thanksgiving in the US. This surely could not go wrong. Took us four trains and two hours to reach. Our combined shopping at the end of the day was a 30ml bottle of perfume as nothing else was affordable.

Nearly froze to death on our way back as the snow started melting sucking away all the heat from the atmosphere. Cursed the country for no fault of hers. 

Four trains later we were back home, with each of us swearing upon each other that this would be the last Christmas that we would be spending in this country.

Next week, it would incidentally be my fourth consecutive Christmas in this country. 

But thankfully the first year had taught me my lessons well and I have stayed better prepared for the holidays since.

Wishing all of you a very Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year ahead.

C'mon 2009 lets see what you got in store !!

Of Marriages, Bengalis and Rosogollas

The annual hunting season is coming to its climax in India. 

And like every year there is much jubilation in the camps which have come home with their prized hunts, some captured after a lot of perseverance and months of dedicated stalking.

Yes it is the marriage season in India when many a worthy warrior of the bachelor camp, having fought off captivity valiantly over the years will finally succumb to the emotional blackmails of concerned mothers, to the shrewd manipulation of match making aunts, to the appearance of a bi-coloured band in the girlfriend's pregnancy test strip or sometimes to some whimsical thought of doing something different in life, often such ideas emerging under the influence of alcohol or some other intoxicating substance.

While people here in the west tone down the affairs to a certain degree in respect of the distraught sensibilities of the soon-to-be-caged, marriages in India compete to give the word ostentation a whole new meaning. 

This being the tenth year that I am out of home for padhai and rozi roti, I have been attending most marriages belated through photographs now and it I must tell you that missing marriages is really a huge huge loss.

While its stomach-breaking to hear of the menu over phone while you are chewing 'not-at-all-ready-to-eats' thawed in a microwave, it breaks a lot of other things when you see the photographs of all those dazzling femme-fatales giggling away in borrowed sarees.

Describing a typical middle class Bengali marriage and the various rites and rituals that accompany it would probably require Wikipedia to buy a few new servers to host all the information. 

In this post I merely attempt to give short descriptions of the various entities that give a Bengali marriage its typical flavour.

The Kaku-Jethu-Mesho huddle- Usually men in their late fifties and sixties talking about their common gastrointestinal problems and the latest ayurvedic herb which eases the motions. This discussion is followed by what their kids are doing now, which nobody gets a chance to complete anyway as someone would surely jump in mid way to share what their own kids have been doing. With an underlying intent to prove that their offsprings are doing better than the rest, this leads to animated discussions interrupted by wives bringing in digestive tonics, blood pressure medicines, waist belts etc. 

This group would suddenly thin out, giving the impression that they have retired for the night.

Then the orders for fried fish would start and sounds of laughter would ring out well into the night. The marriage continues somewhere in the background.

The Kakima-Jethima-Mashima Sammelan - This group of ladies form the most active party in the whole wedding with everyone seeming to be running around with the most urgent task at hand and if you happen to fall in their path then either you would be admonished for your carelessness or be immediately packed away on an errand to get that something  without which it would seem that the rituals of the marriage just wont proceed. 

Damn the clan of Pundits and their continuous chattering with God ! 

Anyway these women have another very important task in the marriage. That of spotting newbakras for their next match making opportunity and suddenly mothers with kids in marriageable age are thronged with attention. Sentences such as ' When is Joy next coming home ?' or 'Your daughter has completed her post graduation isn't it. That's wonderful' usually have an ulterior motive not visible to unsuspecting eyes. Seeds of many a future marriage are sown here while bachelors unaware of the predicament being arranged would be blissfully spending time guzzling beer and playing PS3 in some corner of the world. Idiots!! 

The Char-annas (kids) - This genre run amok in all directions unaware of what they should be breaking or where they should be peeing . Some gentler ones would be sticking close to their mothers while the notorious brigade would be thinking of plans of burning some firecrackers up the grooms dhoti-covered-ass. As if the poor soul is not already destined for graver injuries in life.

The Bhai-Bons -The lot sharing the common ancestry with the groom probably enjoy the most in the marriage. With no work or responsibility other than looking good themselves, they spend most of the time hunting out potential flirtable entities in the bride's camp and having found one would be seen constantly hanging around these entities, well unconcerned of that brother of theirs who sitting in front of the fire had made this all possible and who an hour back had wished to know the score of the Liverpool-Chelsea match. Sacrificial animals need to be left alone in their last hours, so they believe.

In sharp contrast, the bride's party would traditionally be at their best behaviours  camouflaging the glee of finally being able to get rid of the sister behind a facade of solemnity portraying the 'sorrow' of having to give her away. Sniff.

The Bandhobis - The female friends decked up in resplendent sarees and jewellery. Add to the glamour quotient of the marriage and usually keep the bride updated with all the gossip of whats happening in the marriage elsewhere. The unmarried ones pass fleeting glances at the handsome specimens of the group described below while the married ones rue a day very similar to this one which had snatched away their freedom to do so.

The Bondhugon - Mostly unmarried friends in suits representing the grooms friend brigade. Keep a watchful eye on the above group, interpreting smiles as invitation for dates and spend most of the time eating and doing nothing useful. They arrange on-the-stop rosogolla-eating-contests leading to an invariable shortage of the same and while nowhere to be seen when the need to drop an old relative back home arises, would suddenly emerge in full force as soon as they realise that the old relative is the father of the most dazzling lady from the above mentioned group.

All in all, I would say that a marriage is a lot of fun, but just as long as you yourself are not the one getting married. 

My folks complete 33 years of marriage today while my cousin sister completes her first. Wishing them many many more years of a happily married life.

P.S. If this post reeks of a chauvinistic approach trying to highlight the plight of the groom while completely disregarding the feelings of the lady involved then I sincerely apologise to my female readers. Like all men I have very little idea of the female psychology and thus did not wish to tread on an unfamiliar terrain.

Leo Tolstoy was brave when he said :

"When I have one foot in the grave, I will tell the whole truth about women. I shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me and say, 'Do what you like now'." 

A Tail of Three Patils

While the National Security Guards, the Armymen, Home Guards, Navy and Mumbai police were all fighting tooth and nail with the terrorists in Mumbai,  Mrs. Pratibha Patil , our President and the Supreme Commander of our Armed Forces sent her moist condolences from her holiday trip in Hanoi. It would have got over at some point or the other of course so why bother to be back and be with the countrymen in moments of such crisis. 

Mr. Shivraj Patil, perhaps the greatest Union Home Minister, the country has ever seen was utterly frustrated that the terrorists had left without even saying goodbye to him. He could have taught them a lesson or two in probably changing nappies, a job he is doing so well for this country.

Mr. R.R. Patil, the Deputy Chief Minister of the state of Maharashtra is ecstatic that only 200 people managed to die at the hands of the terrorists when they had actually come to take down 5000. Wow...And in true Bollywood style he summed up the whole episode  saying  'Bade Bade desho me aise chote chote batein hoti rehte hain'....

If humanity was up for sale somewhere, I would give up all my savings to buy these people some of it.

Can I borrow a spine for my country ?

As I sit and watch the horror being enacted in Mumbai, I just cringe at the fact that our lives have become a matter of chance now and we might as well add death due to terrorism as a natural cause of death in India.
People have died with no reason to die and predictably all my Prime Minister says is that he strongly condemns the attacks. There is again no conviction in his voice, there is no sense of direction or semblance of leadership in such an hour of crisis when people are frantically searching for some ray of hope.

The visuals seem to have been lifted from some commando video game but the only difference is that the blood is real.

Will we ever strike back or should we follow Gandhian principles of holding up the other cheek to be slapped ?
Unfortunately, there remain no cheeks even to be slapped, we have been slapped again and again and again and we have condemned again and again and again.
The impotence and spinelessness of our reactions makes me boil with rage, but hey we should act with restraint and maintain calm for we are Indians and are renowned for our level of tolerance.

Is this the same country where people shook off the clutches of a 200 year old foreign rule? I just sit back and wonder what has happened to that grit and resolve of this country where people are being butchered at will and random and we just resume our lives the next day with a hackneyed reference to the 'undying spirit' !!

When do we think it would be enough ? How many more need to die for us to realise that we have reached the dead end of tolerance? These attacks are not just taking innocent lives, they are sucking away the self respect of a nation and I as a citizen of this once great nation hope that the powers-that-be for once take some steps which would instill a fear among such perpetrators, a fear so strong that should chill the marrow of these inhumans at the very thought of raising a finger against the nation.

I hope and just hope .....
I pray for the families of all those killed in this gruesome act of terror and salute those brave individuals who are risking and many losing their lives in their continuing efforts to cleanse the scum which has maligned our self esteem like never before.

The Elusive Degree

Engineering introduces a grave many bugs in one's system and I had no vaccinations that would have saved me from my share. While some of these are of the type which sit on your head for a short time, fiddle around with your un-shampooed matted hair, realize the hopelessness of what lies underneath and then move on for more fertile pastures, some on the other hand, merrily outlive their stay and keep gnawing away till they hit the soft spot.

One of the most potent and destructive of all bugs and one which has often found mention in this under-nourished blog is the viral thought of pursuing a post graduate degree in business management. With a heavy heart today, I confess that I am suffering from the dreaded disease of MAIDS or "MBA Aspiration Immuno Deficiency Syndrome".

(Please note that sympathies would only be accepted in cash or online transfers)

I had the first attack around the final year of engineering, a time which is normal for this virus to strike engineering colleges and thus I did not take it seriously enough. Little did I know that this virus was as destructive as diabetes and you need to continuously monitor your pee.

This reminds me of one very stinky anecdote from my childhood. Excuse me for this slight digress but I have to share this. When I was a kid of around 6 or 7, there were some very bright young individuals in my neighborhood who had brilliant ideas about everything in life and regularly used to catch up on their intellectual discourses over borrowed cigarettes and udhar-ka-chai. Somehow most of these discussions were related to 'female upliftment'. Such visionary people they were and they were never reluctant to share and spread their knowledge. I came to know from them that a person suffering from diabetes pees multicoloured. Red, Green, Blue, Violet...you name it and a diabetic can pee that colour for you. This was fascinating information for me. To my luck there was a cranky old fella living just next door to us who had diabetes and for quite some time thereafter, as soon as I would hear his bathroom door opening, I would rush to the nearby open drain to catch the colour of this leak. I would sometimes shout "Gimme Red" or "Gimme Magenta" under his bathroom window and man did the Oldy go bonkers hearing it!! Heee hee hee ...still makes me howl with laughter.
Its a pathetic and an utterly gross story isn't it ? I know..I know....

Anyway coming back to my own illness, I wished to share with you all that I got a severe bout of the attack around June this year and under the severe influence of the virus, I took the GMAT examination.

One would have thought that the worse was over.
Lessons in underestimation were given a new chapter following the ordeal that I went through in the months to follow.
Slowly and steadily, the will of the virus began to take a firm grip on my intellect as I saw myself helplessly applying for the one year MBA courses at IIM Calcutta, IIM Ahmedabad and ISB Hyderabad.

The application process is a devil in disguise and while you write the essays and keep iterating them, you can feel the devil making inroads through your brain as answers to questions like "Why do you want to do an MBA from this college?" which a healthy person would have easily answered "Obviously for the hot moolah your passouts rake in" are now answered as...."I am looking forward to this course to get an overall picture of the various aspects involved in senior management levels and the course structure of the executive degree in your college has just the right diversity that could impart me knowledge on the crucial aspects of business management. This I believe would equip me with the expertise and edge required to succeed in my chosen career." ..Blah ..blah ...and then some more blah......Can you beat this ?

But I did not have the bodily strength to fight back as I patiently sat and wrote all the essays. ISB had one particularly interesting essay which needed me to write an election speech for the post of the president of their student body. While I was actually thinking of proposing Free Beer and Lowering the number of required credits to pass the year,I ended up writing about the need of social entrepreneurship.

IIM Ahmedabad was the most benevolent of the trio as it let me off without even bothering to shortlist me for the interviews and thus saving me from wasting a lot of productive man-hours. Not so in the case of IIM Calcutta and ISB who even after reading my essays did not get a clear picture of the immense pain that I was going through and shortlisted me for their interview process.

The suffering was soon to scale new heights. But I will not make you dear readers go through the Ram Kahani. To cut a long story short, I have been rejected by both the institutions.

This last prolonged attack has left me exhausted but I am sure that the bug will not lie down for long enough. It will soon strike back with renewed enthusiasm and this time it will go global for the Round II applications for National University of Singapore and Nanyang Technological University are still open and I am yet to find an antidote for this yearning to be a manager.

Failures are the stepping stones to success...so they say. I have a strong suspicion that the engineer who is designing my steps had spent a considerable time studying when in college.
The resuls are for all to see.....

A piece of advice to him....."Mate, Please unlearn fast and get your act right"......

Till then Cheersa !!

Stale news for a lease of life

I was woken by a call at around 3 am yesterday... The caller did not identify herself. All she said was "Either we read a new entry in your blog tomorrow or we attend your funeral.In case you foresee circumstances leading to the latter, please choose from one of the following options....Beep...Press 1 for Rampuri Jhatka...press 2 for Painless Pillow ..press 3 for Tied Tickling (Authentic Mongolian Feathers used. Not China made)...press 4 for Skin Peeling...Press 5 for......"
I think I got the hint and cancelled the call...

So with no subject matter in mind, I will give you a quick update on our current affairs.
This is just to save my life and I promise to get back to regular writing very soon.. Mystery Caller please take note.... I am not even married for mercy's sake but wait ...is that the reason I am still alive..hehee? (This evil grin should please be forgiven by married men and forward thinking women )

To get to work...The Maharashtra Chief Minister recently announced a reward of Rs.1000 for every pothole that is brought to the notice of the Municipal corporation. I gleefully calculated that I could easily retire as a multi millionaire if I actually reported even a quarter of the potholes that I see on my way to office.
But no, as always someone had to play the spoilsport to progressive ideas and this time it was the municipal corporation. Their argument was that the number of potholes were actually increasing after the chief ministers statement as people all over were found digging up roads to create new potholes where there were none.
Absolutely distressing to see such entrepreneurship tendencies of the common man being strangulated.

The imbroglio over the Tata's small car plant in Shingur continues. Mamata Banerjee, the teddy bear sized progressive leader of the state is of the opinion that the factory should be destroyed immediately and the land returned to the farmers as the factory murders the poor farmer's aspirations to continue living a life of povery and deprivation. Can there be any substitute to the charm of continuing to repay generation old debts...debts which have been consecrated by the deaths of starved ancestors...huh? No No Na No....Na No No No...shout her supporters in unison.

Chiranjeevi the pot bellied super star of Telegu movies has launched his own political party and named it Praja Rajyam. One person gave up his life and 13 others fractured their ribs and limbs as token of respect for their leader who entertained them with dance shows.

The Amarnath issue continues to boil.Hundreds are dead.The protesters have proposed changing the name of our northernmost state from "Jammu and Kashmir" to "Jammu or Kashmir" but our shy and soft spoken Prime Minister does not want to intervene in silly matters of English Grammar as he has a DPhil in Economics you see and that too from the University of Oxford.
Oye paape ...And aur Aur me ki fadak penda ??? Bolo Singh is King....Singh is King ..Singh is King ....Balle Balle Democracy.

If you remember, we also have a president in this country Mrs.Pratibha Patil...no no she is not Shivraj Patil's wife. Anyway we were reminded of this fact when we finally got to see her in the news again posing for pictures with the Olympic winners. When asked of her reactions to these achievements..she said with tearful eyes that she was ever so thankful to Sonia Gandhi and that she hopes that Rahul Gandhi becomes the prime minister soon....Mrs Patil...control ur Yomotions

Ram Gopal Verma had announced a prize of Rs 5 lakh to anyone who could watch his latest movie Phoonk alone. No one won it....They belived in his abilities to scare the shit out of people..To this day they thank their lucky stars that they were able to come out alive of halls screening RGV ki Aag. Rarely since the holocaust have such gruesome and scary torture chambers been created.
But guys please go and watch Mumbai Meri Jaan. It is an awesome movie with terrific performances.

This sums it up for the day....will be back soon...honestly ...no life threatening calls please....
P.S...If any of you know the Mystery Caller...please please ...tell her that the task is now done.

The Not-so-Stupid Box

Sometimes a post, by dint of its length can give the world new creative expletives,or cause temporary posterior paralysis. This is one of those.


Some many moons back, Mrs.Indira Gandhi, the then soft spoken Prime Minister of India, was convicted for election fraud by a court in Allahabad which while annulling her MP status also banned her from contesting any elections till the time I was to be a cute one year old.

In reaction to this,I have read that the lady calmly declared a State of Emergency in the country that imposed some very serious restrictions on civil liberties and constitutional freedoms. For e.g.

You were expected to reach office on time.
You were expected to restrain the external manifestation of certain hormonal outbursts to two head counts only and then run and register yourself for a not-very-male-friendly surgery.
You were fined if you were caught peeing in public !!
Political opposition was most welcome but only inside jails.

However the point that I wish to touch upon today in this post is the censorship on media that the Emergency had brought about.
The government had complete control on what was being printed or aired over radio and this kind of censorship was considered by all to be a complete murder of democracy.

As television was an alien concept for most Indians those days (only some seven unlucky cities had access to Doordarshan), there wasn't much need for gagging this media I guess and the effect of this leniency during the formative years of Doordarshan is for all to see.
Mothers now warn truant kids with consequences like 'Beta padhai karlo nahi to Doordarshan laga dungi'

People tend to be at their miserly best when on an onsite deputation, behaving more like Walking Currency Calculators than software professionals and when in UK, multiplying everything by 80 before taking any decision.

Under these circumstances when I learnt that to own a television there meant spending some 1200 rupees as license fee every month to watch 4 stunningly boring BBC channels, I chose not to bow down before the demands of the stupid box and devoted my entire life to the noble cause of surfing the internet, typing rediff.com and orkut.com and re-doing the same exercise again and again till I fell asleep.

Then one day a friend of mine sent me the link of CNN-IBN which had live streaming enabled in its website. And since that day onwards, I devoted my entire life to the noble cause of theinternet typing rediff.com , orkut.com and ibnlive.com, redoing the same exercise again and again till I fell asleep.

CNN-IBN proved to be a true stress reliever for us there and soon got us hooked to such a degree that we were thrilled to watch the same piece of news in the mornings when we left for work, in the afternoons when we came home for lunch, in the evenings when we returned from work, during dinners and finally concluded the day by seeing the day's headlines and what was surprising in this entire exercise was our interest level that just would not subside. At times we even replayed the videos of the same news the following day.

Staying away from home for long periods numbs one's senses, so I have heard.

Having come back home, where the cable bill still stands at Rs 300 per month for 150 odd channels I realised that the medium of television was notthaaaaat stupid after all.
I just cannot put in words the joy that I experience every time I press the button of remote and a new channel comes up!
Cmon what is this...Magic ??

Now television media has been in a boom mode for quite sometime now in India.
Anybody who owns a Sony Handycam got by his uncle from Singapore considers himself a struggling director and with new channels coming up every other fortnight, the need for these artistic individuals has risen all the more.

A particular community in this country has drawn up a dictum that unless you prove some mettle in some arena of the creative world(sometimes interpreted as communism) during your lifetime, neither heaven nor hell would give you a berth.

A small futuristic interview :
Gatekeeper at Hell - So dude what creativity have you shown in this horrible life of yours ??
Me- --Well ahem ..I wrote a blog and attempted some humour in it.
Gatekeeper at Hell -- Damn another of these bloggers !! Why aren't you guys allowed in Heaven damn it.... Anyway.. so humour me ..make me laugh and you will gain an entry.
Me -- The ant raping a tigress joke..
Gatekeeper at Hell ---Hideous joke...Not good enough ...try again
Me -- The tiger taking revenge and raping the ant back joke..
Gatekeeper at Hell ---Pathetic...one last try else you are dead !!
Me -- I spent a lot of effort coding and following quality processes in a reputed software company !
Gatekeeper at Hell -- Ha ha ha ha ..(demonic Guffaws)...Come in..Come on in.... hurry up...you rock big time ..ha ha ha ...This was just too good ..ha ha ha (uncontrollable demonic guffaws) ..
Me -- #%#%#$^!!!

For information's sake, I was once given a camcorder to record a birthday event. I ended up making a short documentary on the autobiography of my shoe and that of all other shoes in the vicinity.
Well they need to be heard too and no one told me that a camcorder needed to held up too and just why can't Japanese people make smart devices which require less of human interaction !!!

Now with the tough competition in the television media arena, the quality of programmes too is bound to have an upward graph.

Below mentioned are a few of the ground breaking channels that are doing stellar work in the field on TV journalism. This list is in no way comprehensive and only represents a few of my favourites.


India TV -- A few years back,I was glued to this channel for a whole day when a sting operation found Shakti Kapoor in a slightly embarrassing situation. He he .. It must have stung him real bad !! A channel with social responsibility, it has only grown in stature over the years.
With a prime time slot dedicated to Rakhi Sawant and her family, the channel sends a strong message on the rise of the downtrodden.
Recently a whole day was dedicated to the divinity of an American person who could fly making us aware of what we can achieve only if we make an effort.


Rajya Sabha- This channel ,I have come to understand, teaches philosophy. A display of 12-13 coloured vertical lines and a soothing shrill siren kind of music in the background for a continuos 24 hours of the day must surely have a metaphysical interpretation of entertainment conveying some deeper meaning of life.

India News - This is one of the newer channels I guess, which specialises in showing programs of the kind where a few Adivasis hunt down a deer with an arrow and how the animal writhes in pain. The writhing is shown in graphic details and repeated till the point the viewer vomits at least once. Such amazing concern for animal protection !
There was another programme where a 'witch' in Bihar was tied to a pole and kicked and slapped repeatedly till she fell unconscious. The slaps came with special effects of course and surely Rowling must have been very happy with the highlights on the plights of wizards and witches so responsibly being taken up by the Indian media.

I have also come to realise that the concept of 'BREAKING NEWS' is something quite different from what I had imagined. A news can only qualify to be one of this category if it successfully manages to actually break something when screened....Patience, forehead, intelligence barriers, right ventricular blood flow, humanity constraints ...anything will do.

And with extremely relevant issues like kids falling inside ditches being given a live telecast, we are constantly kept aware of the pitfalls afflicting the society today.
Such a vibrant and awake media is so very necessary in India's progress towards a better tomorrow.

Miracle Net - This channel is a show stopper. You have to watch it to believe it where the true meaning of Faith is exemplified through various first hand experiences and discourses. A particular person narrated his experience as follows :

"I had a son who did not work."
(Audience ...oooh...aaah ...sharing the pain, I believe)

"I had a son who did not work."
(Audience ...More ooohs...aaahs ...the pain intensifying)

"I had a son who did not work."
(Audience ...A few start crying and clapping..Some have their eyes closed with tears rolling )

"Then I woke up one day and prayed to God."
(Audience - Yes Yes Yes...some are visibly choked with a welling up emotion ..Some are lying on the floor trying perhaps to wriggle out the pain)

"God please send my son to work"
(Audience - Yes Yes Yes...some have fallen into a trance while others are swaying to some tune with kids on their shoulders.The ipod wire hangs loosely behind)

"That very day my son went to work and has not returned since !!!"
(Audience --Absolute pandemonium breaks loose...Some jumping to the stage to kiss the man, some fainting in their seats, some just crying and laughing)

The man crumbles down and falls unconscious and so did I and as I was falling, I could hear a thought banging inside my head........Keep the faith my friends...keep the faith ...

Long live democracy and the freedom of the press. Just at times, I wished Mrs.Gandhi was still alive.


(P.S.-Today's fortune in Orkut: You have an unusual equipment for success, use it properly.)
Unusual ....eh ???

To See or Not to See

My dear faithful readers,

I understand that your faithfulness to this blog has been put under severe pressure over the last three months in the absence of anything to keep your faith upon.

While expressing my genuine apologies for not being able to keep up with the intensely demanding nature of a blog, for this sorry state of affairs however,
I put the blame squarely ,rectangularly and rhombusly on the complete dictatorship that has been initiated by the admin department of my company in the same of secure web policies.

The "Access to the Requested page is Denied" message has been coming up with such a frequency that would put the population clock of China to shame.

While there were always some restrictions (albeit unnecessary) before I left for UK, it was never as worse. For e.g based on some weird logic they would not allow us to view pictures of female bodies without clothes on, or the one in which they would not allow the use of external mail sites for sending out our resumes to other companies.(You could use the internal server of course).

But along with our many other sacrifices that we made, we took these too in our stride.

Now great many changes have happened in India in the last couple of years while I was away.
Locally speaking, the traffic jam has shifted a quarter of a mile away from where it reigned earlier;

The local Bar has had a Merger and Acquisition and the prices of drinks have trebled;

Flats which were considered to be located on the outskirts are very much within city limits now and areas which were dwelled by hyenas and panthers are now hot spots for developing new properties.
They advertise..."Come live in paradise in the midst of nature" ( and be eaten alive by leopards and crocodiles is understood I guess )

The office timing has been increased by an hour owing to rupee appreciation against the dollar and rarely has ever any 'appreciation' been looked down upon with more distaste.

However, all of these fade in comparison to the the changes initiated by our admin team to block websites that supposedly do not tally with the company policies.

Some topics topping in this taboo list are as follows:

A) Cricket

Some innocent google searches comes up with the following results.

1.Mysore Sandal Soap - Access Denied. - Dhoni did a commercial for this brand and it melts too early anyway, Try searching Hamam instead.

2.Hamam- Access denied - He he ...Caught you, you were searching for Mysore Sandal Soap isn't it ?

3.ICL - Access Strongly Denied . Not recognised by the BCCI or the ICC. The matches look more like uncles playing beneficiary matches for their old age pensions, What do you want to know about them anyway huh ?

4.IPL - Access Denied - 19 days still to go ! Have patience mate !

5.Ganguly's One day records - Access denied. Data permanently deleted from public memory.

6.Shoaib Akhtar banned for 3 years - Access denied. Moron its 5 years not 3 !
and so on and so forth.

B) ****

I understand that Blog too is a four letter word but to not allow us even read-only access on them is nothing short of criminal for a person who has just returned back to India after spending 2 and a half years at onsite billed solely for reading and writing blogs in office.
Respect the employee's skill-set for revenue's sake.

C) Miss-ellaneous

Technical Discussion Forums (How is a person supposed to develop his code for chrissake?!! and then they complain of not delivering on time ...How just How !!!),

MagicBricks.com and all other real estate website.How is a person supposed to do his research before buying a house?
Well not that many in my company can afford to in Mumbai anyway..so i guess this one is ok.

NGOs in Mumbai !! (Justifiably blocked as the company may get in serious trouble with the Human Rights organisations if the figures of our salaries are somehow leaked)

Money Control Justified for the same reason mentioned above. "Jab Money hi nahi hain to Control kya karoge ..he he ..Signed Admin."

Thus in a nutshell , life has suddenly turned very boring in office with the only site that regularly opens coming up with reminders for your unfilled time sheet entries and unsanctioned leaves and pending trainings :-((((.
No fire or wall can block this damned site !!!!!

I am handicapped my friends in the absence of access to blogspot.com from office to write more often.

But there is so much more to being back home. So much more to write, so much more of Mumbai..so much more of life......so will be back very soon ...

Yours
Apologetic Access denied Blogger.

Yappy New Year

My dear blog readers,

The blogger is currently busy winding up his two and a quarter year stay in the Queens Kingdom to return to Apna Vatan on New Years Day.
So the next posts will have the distinctive smell of desh ki mitti. (Wonder when will Google come up with odour-enabled blogsites ??).

Till then Wishing all of you a Very Very Happy New Year.

And as they say it here
Cheerio!!!!

Onsite Binsight

Some Project Managers have an amazing ability to sense out potential resignations in a project.Probably its taught as a part of the syllabus of PMP (Project Management Programme).

Typical examples are as follows:
PM Vijay- I can sense it...Yes Yes its such a strong one........40 degree 30'N and 94 degree 24'E..Its from the second last cubicle..Ah its Ramesh..I should have known. Damn I should not have given him a poor rating this year!
PM Vijay to Ramesh ---So whats up Ramesh?
Ramesh - (quickly closing the Orkut,naukri.com,blogger,Messenger windows)-Hi Vijay...nothing much,usual work , you know .
PM Vijay (yeah you moron..I know)--Yes its a busy time of the year isn't it ?
Ramesh (As if you care)-- Yes indeed.
PM Vijay- So what are your future plans Ramesh,
Ramesh -(Visibly disturbed..Does this bugger know ?)-- Ahem well, ..ahem...aheeem..
PM Vijay - You wouldn't be interested in an onsite opportunity for 6 months,would you?
Ramesh - Whoa !! What?? Are you serious ? I mean really ...actually ..because ..then..yes...I have to ...plans..where...?

And most often than not, this discussion leads Ramesh to promptly hold back his resignation.

This lure in our industry is coined Onsite Deputation where you get a chance to rake in some extra moolah and of course simultaneously give that degenerating ad in Shaadi.com a much needed facelift.

Now this concept of travelling to foreign shores however has never traditionally been extended to the faculty members of the training department whose job, I feel, is one among the toughest in this industry.
They are periodically given fresh packs of over enthusiastic engineer pass outs, a motley group, who could any day do more honours to the local zoo than a corporate office.
The task of moulding these individuals into entities which would quietly gel into the corporate lifestyle, taking orders from superiors and holding their bottoms on to one chair for close to eight hours a day, is certainly not an easy task.

Some scenes from the classrooms,given below are indicative of the reason why many faculty members resort to stress therapy classes after office hours.

Classroom A-
Faculty Member - "Today we are going to discuss the concept of Universal data access using ActiveX Data Objects or ADO."
"Radio ?? Sir why would we need to learn about radios in these age? Do we still have clients who sell radios...Ha ha ...Such losers!!! opines a back bencher with a minute hearing disability
Faculty Member ---We are ....
Barely awake Back Bencher 2 -- Thats fine Sir, Don't listen to him ..Radio is just cool! I always wanted to be a Radio Jockey. They are so in with chics man !!
Faculty Member - Excuse me , we are actually discu....
Back Bencher 3 ---Sir I still have an old radio in my house.I last used it to bang the head of my neighbour's dog...some incident da !! Its gone numb since then. Does the company reimburse the cost of repairing Radios Sir?
Faculty Member - What the $%$**$$...No the company does not and we are not talking radios here for Chrissake!!
Back Bencher 4 to BackBencher 2 -- Huh much ADO about nothing man ..We were just trying to know more about the company policies.


Classroom B
Faculty member to young recruits - Today we are going to talk about the PL-SQL.

Female Student 1- Sir if it's like the story of Luv-Kush then please excuse me from the class. I found the concept of twins fighting with their Daddy so repulsive..eeks ya!!
Female Student 2- On yeah,Well what would you then say about a father striking off the head of his son and replacing it with that of an Elephant's eh ?
Female Student 1 - (Swoons).
Faculty member (clears his throat and continues) Well Ahem, PL-SQL stands for Procedural Language-Structured Query Language and resembles closely to Pascal.
Back Bencher again- Sir I take serious offence at the language that you are using in the class. We may be freshers but you have no right to abuse us in this manner.
Faculty member -But I only said Pascal.
Back bencher 1-- Hear hear friends ,there he goes at it again !! Is this what you call corporate ethics...abusing a poor physically handicapped person like me...Sniff Sniff..
Faculty member- Calm Down..calm down, You need to concentrate in this lecture as you would need it in your ABAP programming.
Back Bencher-- Sir, Baap pe kyon jaate ho ? Yeh thik nahi ho raha hai !!!
Whole class rising in unison and walking out--Yes yes.. Down with insensitivity !! Down with corporate high-handedness, as all make their way to the office canteen to douse their hurt feeling with some Masala Dosas.

Coming back to the topic of onsite travel, a few months back, these members of the training department decided that enough was enough and that they too deserved a better life.(Read : The matrimonial was not cutting much ice)
When their initial demands for onsite travel were not addressed, they quietly floated a few pamphlets with some minor modifications to the official Code of conducts..

Some of the pamphlets read as follows:

Do's & Don't's

* The company is responsible for the health and safety of all its employees.Spitting of Guthkha and Smoking will not be allowed anywhere except within the office premises.
* Drug abuse will not be tolerated under any conditions but some exceptions may be made for employees who offer a joint or two to the security personnel of their floor.
* Employees should always be formally dressed and anyone wearing his underwear like Superman will be considered for immediate mid-year promotions.
* Camera phones are not allowed within the office premises. Instead please bring proper digital cameras with at least 6X optical zoom to get a good shot at any client sensitive data.

The Management relented soon after and decided that faculty members too would henceforth travel to onsite locations and impart necessary trainings to the employees based there.

Now Onsite is the other word for Corporate Rehabilitation.
Employees who have been sucked dry of all enthusiasm in life after around 2 continuous years of milking (Gender irrespective) are usually sent here so that they spend the next few months calculating the conversion rate of Dollars and Pounds instead of conjuring up novel ideas to put into their resignation letters.
Much like the hill-station-after-a-long-illness funda that we have in Hindi movies.

Thus while the company buys some time, the employee too starts feeling a temporary high as he sees his bank balance gain back some respectability in the eyes of the Credit card agents who had completely shunned him after his first few salaries.

Reaction of Credit Card Agent on your first salary...Really ??
Reaction of Credit Card Agent on your second salary... Ha ha ha ..Are you sure Sir??
Reaction of Credit Card Agent on your sixth salary...Ho ho ho Ho Ho ...Can I lend you some money mate!!!
And then there were None.

Anyway so this group of people at onsite are the Been-there-Seen-that kind of people and the company usually does not bother them much to avoid situations as below :

One Ruffled Employee to colleague within Client earshot -- Psst..Psst...Dude this business logic is worth around 5 million dollars in the market..You aren't interested to earn some extra dough are you ?
or of the deadpan kind,
Hi Richard, my manager just emailed me and he thinks that you have a very large butt and that you should give us a project to bring it back to shape.

Thus, to keep things in control as well as to accommodate the demands of the harassed training dept guys, the management came up with brilliant ideas of holding sessions of the kind of Cultural Sensitization Programs and one such we had here a couple of weeks back.

It was fun from the word go. We were taken through different adaptation theories and given directions on how we should behave ourselves in the company of clients, that asking personal questions of the genre of "What is your good name?" were a strict no-no and that applying oil in our hair was also not acceptable while oil-laden food etc were best avoided.
(Oil and Indians have such a beautiful love story !!!)

But the programme surely gave the employees an opportunity to unwind a bit and most of us thoroughly participated with great enthusiasm and interest,particularly during the coffee breaks and the Pizza lunch. Did I forget to mention that the company bore the entire costs for the same?
It was a comfortable Saturday afternoon and with pizza-filled stomachs we enjoyed the session all the more.Infact some were so sensitised that they could hardly stay awake after that.

But hats off to the training department for reminding the nosy pack of us that we should not be picking our nose while in office and Three Cheers to them for having managed to win this round with the Management!!

An ode to Maggi

Some millions of years ago....
A scene from a typical evening in a bachelor cavehold .The language which was spoken in those days was Cavespeak

Cave Dweller Bachelor 1 - ool ..ool? (Food ..Food ?)
Cave Dweller Bachelor 2 - Maka keega kidneeee (Big dinosaur's kidney)

Cave Dweller Bachelor 1 - Maka neh zook !!!( Terrible !!!)
Cave Dweller Bachelor 2 - Yumma Morona !....Zazall v ave..(Eat you moron! That's all we have)

Cave Dweller Bachelor 1- Bolu...Gonna-maka-zook lom ni gu-tawa (Mate..Hot babe in next cave)
Cave Dweller Bachelor 2- Tooka-Tooka ? (Any Chance for sex ?)

Cave Dweller Bachelor 1- Neh...Neh ... (No way !!!)
Cave Dweller Bachelor 2 - Bolu, zez boondo de bincha ( Chill mate,lets drink Beer)
Cave Dweller Bachelor 1 - Yeh Yeh..Yeh Yeh !!! (Some expressions need no translations)

Nothing much has really changed over the eons, has it ?


However, if one were to choose one invention that has truly revolutionized the lives of bachelors, then that distinction would have to invariably go to Maggi noodles.
I would think that all bachelors here would agree that no other invention has brought more collective joy to them.
Well.......................??
.........
............
..................
Whats wrong with you people !!!! This is a 12A rated blog,for heaven's sake!!!

The noble person responsible for bringing these small packets of joy into the bachelor kitchens was a man named Julius Michael Johannes Maggi who founded the Maggi company in the year 1872 in Switzerland though of course the Maggi noodles came some time after.

For most bachelors with severely demented cooking abilities like yours truly, Maggi has always come as a saviour in moments of crisis.
It was there for us in those hostel days when the mess gave us zebra fodder in the name of dinner or when our initial attempts at cooking had left us with tar-like curries and even darker self esteems.

Some roles which Maggi Noodles has been shouldering for many many years now can be enumerated under the following heads:


Maggi -The Healer
Maggi is a true healer of lost faith. When the male ego is brutally shattered day after day at the altar of the cooking gas,when you can hear the utensils and jars in the kitchen sarcastically sniggering away behind your back, when even those tiny tiny peas keep running away from you in morbid fear, it is then that a small yellow packet in that corner of your shelf peeks out to you as a beacon of renewed hope.You reach out to it with outstretched hands and a weak and broken heart.You feel like crying and running back to the warmth of home where food means 'to eat' and not 'to cook'.
Like a true friend, the 2 minute logo in the packet gives you confidence and puts a comforting hand on your sagging shoulders. (Where else did you think ? Think straight...please think straight)
You put the water to boil and gently drop the noodles and the tastemaker masala. You can still see the spoons, the plates, the glasses and the knives all scrambling over each other's shoulders to get a view at their favourite clown
But today the circus is not to be.
It soon takes shape, the noodles smarten up and the tastemaker blends itself wonderfully with it giving it the perfect look.And before you know it, its done !
And then you taste it. Tears come rolling down your cheeks and you look upwards and just manage to whisper a choked 'Thank you'.
Resurrection can well come in small packets.


Maggi- The tower of Selflessness and Simplicity
Maggi noodles are true proponents of selfless service.They come with no starry airs and instead Nestle you within the warmth of their exceptional taste and ease of preparation.You may well give it the step-motherly treatment every now and then but it would always be there for you on a rainy day.
Nothing pompous, nothing too flashy, just a simple packet with no bombastic claims and yet so efficient.

Maggi- The Management Guru
We,in the software industry are taught to give an estimate to the client which should be at least twice or thrice the time we would actually need to do the work.
This is usually to buffer out emergencies like 3 hour lunch breaks, 12 stops to the coffee vending machines and all the time that goes to buy farewell gifts for the ever resigning people.Damn the attrition rate in this industry.
Maggi,in stark contrast, is a true professional in this sense . It sticks to its time of 2 minutes and in the process teaches us the true value of time.
Maggi also demonstrates with great efficiency how coiled things in life ease out when put in boiling water.
(Disclaimer -The blogger does not guarantee the results, should this be tried upon spouses.)

Though the page on Maggi noodles in Wikipedia lists around 28 flavours of Maggi noodles sold all around the world, my personal favourite has always been the Masala flavour. Some other unnecessary variations such as the Vegetable Atta Noodles and the Dal Sambhar ones have only scored a Saawariya with the masses.

Some things are best left original.

Though the impact of Maggi on a bachelor's life cannot certainly be measured, nor completely expressed in a single blog post, this is just a small tribute to something which has understood the bachelor psyche in a manner like very few others things have.

"Be not afraid of laziness"

Some are born lazy, Some achieve laziness and Some have laziness thrust upon them"
Some many years from now, when I would be retrospecting on the days gone by, I'd think that I belonged to all the three categories.

In a predominantly Bong locality where I grew up, almost every kid of my age was learning the Tabla, the choice of instrument being all the more obvious as his sister was invariably going through the motion of learning "Robindra Songeet". A Bengali bhadralok's daughter may well be devoid of the right lung and the left kidney but Rabindra Sangeet is something she must know.
"Age 24, Fair skin, very homely, very beautiful, very understand, 5'2'', know East Bengal cooking" are some other accolades that get added with age.
Thus every morning at around 6, these bunch of singerly-sisters started their Riyaz with sleepy eyes and hoarser throats and needless to say, there was no need for roosters to wake people up in our locality.
There was not much to differentiate between the two species anyway.

Of course I was the charcoal black sheep of my family as far these classical skills were concerned and thus I never learnt the Tabla or for that matter never acquired any skill which required patience and tenacity.I could, on the other hand, carry sacks of potatoes or rice with more ease and my mother was happy that way.
Not every Bengali need be an intellectual after all. Some should still remain idiots so that they are never able to comprehend what phrases like paying back in their own coin mean.

Coming back to laziness, I think that it is a grossly misrepresented term. Predominantly it would seem to imply to many as physical inactivity and the disinclination to work. But what these judgemental people seem to miss is that all this seeming inactivity may actually well be a part of a larger picture, a slice from a continuous process of which we all are unknowingly a part and where each of us has an assigned role to play and more importantly at a predestined time. You just can't hurry on to things always. It simply spoils the scheme of things which God has so intricately balanced. Such harakiri only unnecessarily adds on to the pile of work that we lazy people already have, of slowing down things to a pace that nature is comfortable with.

Recently CNN-IBN was airing an interview on Javed Akhtar, when the famous lyricist made some poignant remarks in response to the interviewee's question on whether he was lazy.He said that he indeed was but went on to define that laziness is not really as is popularly conceived to be. Laziness according to him gave him the time to think and ponder which people are so not doing in their mad wild rush these days.
One couldn't agree with him more.

Ultimately,it is only you who will have to carry out the tasks assigned to you.There is no escaping the fact.If your mother wants you to get a wife and settle down, then you will have to get one sooner or later and if that wife wants you to keep your own house clean then you will have to keep the house clean and if your kid wants you to help him out with his Maths homework while the Indian Ocean concert is in town then you will have to tell him that only Rats teach Maths and thus he should go to his mother and quickly avoid the knife that the wife throws at you. That is all in your Karmic cycle.

So guys don't rush on to things.
The concept of time is only a relative and man-made concept. Time is a continuum and how much ever we try, we cannot confine it within the narrow boundaries of today ,tomorrow or yesterday.Lets think bigger and plan to get things done but not attach any narrow time frames to it. It only questions your faith in God's scheme of things.You certainly don't want to be remembered as a blasphemous soul after you leave this world, do you ?

It is the job of Time to take you forward, so sit back and relax for you will go forward, no matter what. Do not be involved in acts which would make Time feel insecure about his job. For if He gets angry, God save your already receding hairline, your teeth, that glowing skin, those muscles.

So don't draw up schedules for projects, do not send reminders to your subordinates to get the work done, don't respond to emails from your manager enquiring you of the status of the tasks.
Burn the estimation template.
Throw the watch (But let me know where you throw them).
Severe all ties with any person who uses the word ASAP again and recommend a No-Smokingish Prayogshaala for him/her !!

Work in Peace my friends and let others around you stay peaceful as well.
It is no sin to be lazy....

Diya Jale....Jaan jale

What the fish....Three months since the last post in this blog ?? What is this ..a blog or a fog ???? Har har Har!!! (Such self deprecatory comments invariably draw the appreciation of intelligent critics...so I have heard....and also my ability to write humour, it seems, has died a premature death.)

In these three months a lot of water has flown down the Thames.(Man am I turning English in my expressions !! Claps claps!!)
The whole of last month was festival time in India and was I in India celebrating all the festivities with my family and devouring wonderfully delicious sweets and chasing prospective brides ??? Well Noooooo.....of course not ... Did I not pledge my whole life to the service of the suffering mankind the day I chose this life of struggle and hardships over those high paying management jobs (which nobody anyway gave me)?
Everyday I enter my office and see those expectant little faces and chirpy pleas clamouring for a little helping hand, it reminds me of the enormity of the task that I have undertaken. The IT industry is such a noble profession.

Naaaaah who am I kidding !!! These clients are fast learning the tricks of the trade and as soon as they realise that with a little effort, they can do it all by themselves will they outsource it entirely to China where I hear the government these days are doling out incentives to all couples who volunteer to procreate in an English medium school premise. But till then, thousands and thousands of desis like me will have to spend their festivals in foreign lands far far away from the warmth of their homes.( Whoa was strength of sentiment here !!! This would have made Nirupa Roy cry.)

Well Dussehra came and went by and so did Diwali and while Lord Rama may have returned home after a successful venture down South, we continue to struggle with our own self created demons some of which come packaged with horrendously polite messages such as this :


And come to think of it, running back to home was so much simpler just a few years back.
My only worthwhile achievement in college was the path breaking research work which I, along with some of my friends did in the field of Elasticity leading to some startling discoveries in this field of work.
We demonstrated that when around 15 Bengalies get together (and not discuss Communism) and the threat of suspension from hostels is not that severe, a one week Diwali break can safely be stretched back to an extent that it comfortably includes the days of Durga Puja in its scope.
(Durga Puja by the way occurs 3 weeks prior to Diwali.)
Some of our critics had claimed that our work was not authentic enough and that it borrowed much of its material from the proven theory of Mass-Bunk.

I tell you India is so not an ideal place for scientists.

The journey from Surat to my hometown took a mere 3 and half days by train and most often than not Indian Railways gave me a festival bonus by rounding off the days to a wholesome four. Reservations on these journeys was as unrealistic a concept as Tanushree Dutta winning the National Award for her acting skills and thus while we boarded the trains as humans, there was not much to distinguish us from dirty beddings when we finally disembarked from them.

Oh my home is not in Timbaktoo by the way. I in fact grew up in a smallish town, which till recently was not known by many to actually exist in India but all this changed when a lad with whom I once went to school thought of auditioning for Indian Idol.
While Amit Paul swayed the nation with his amazing crooning abilities, many people came to know that when one said 'Shillong me Khasis rehte hain', it did not mean that Shillong is inhabited by various kinds of Coughs.
Also I hear that the IIM Management has pulled a fast one this year by clandestinely opening a centre there. Cheers to my lovely city which for long has not got its due liimlight.

And while Diwalis come and Diwalis go, bugs too are resolved or camouflaged and left to be discovered by some innocent Chinese some twenty years from now.
Tigers are so much more smarter than Dragons ....Muhuahhaaa ..haaaa...MUhuhuaaha aaa!!!


Question of the Day- What are the thoughts of the pregnant lady as she goes into labour on Diwali night ?
Answer- Dard-e-Disco....Dard-e-Disco...Dard-e-Disco!!!