Thursday, July 19, 2007

Will you kindly cover your face with a hanky when you bark !

There are no street dogs in England. Technically speaking every dog in this country has a comfortable house to live in with a caring owner to take care of all his worldly needs.
I see different species of dogs everyday while walking to my office.
(Yes I can't afford a car even in Britain and all donations are welcome and would be tax exempted under the Help-the-Extremely Poor-Desis Act of UK).

Anyway coming back to the subject in hand, the English take their pets very seriously and it clearly shows when they bring them out for their daily walks every morning. While all are invariably well groomed with shining hairs and pedicured toes, the more pampered ones would be decked up in ribbons, hair bands, bow ties and even bandanas. Often they make me feel grossly underclothed.

All this attention and care however seems to have domesticated this species more than their wolf forefathers would ever have imagined in their wolfest of dreams.
There is something so very serene and calm about the dogs here that I have started to believe that it may well be only the sinners in the dog community who actually are condemned to bark at people or other dogs.
Those who go on to bite a person surely belong to the lowest strata in their social hierarchy or so the attitude of dogs in England makes me feel.

The British politeness which at times is nothing short of genocidal has penetrated deep into the psychology of the dogs here as well.

In India when owners take their dogs out for a walk, their direction is usually at the mercy of the animal and his subject of interest on that day.
While some day, Tommy would think it wise to rush in search of that fascinating looking frog in those hideous bushes while of course nearly strangulating his master in the process, on some other days, it may well be his desire to chase all the auto rickshaws in town leaving his master in a state of severe distortion and unwanted elasticity.
So though the chain may well be on the dog, it is usually the owner who seems to be dancing to the tunes of the chained.
Also when two such enthusiastic individuals happen to meet each other, they would politely exchange a few harmless expletives seemingly questioning each others family credentials and go along in their task of finding the best car to urinate upon.

Thus while on one hand our Indian dogs have earned a repute for thier uncouthness and utter lack of manners, their British counterparts, on the other would resemble more like the convent educated, finishing school outputs with an air of that all pervading sophistication.

An example of a typical conversation between two English dogs on a sunny morning would go somewhat like this :

Mr.Nobarker- "Good Morning Ms.Lacie, it is a mighty pleasure to see you on this beautiful morning."
Miss Lacie - "Good Morning Mr.Nobarker...Oh how honoured am I to meet you.I hope you're doing well."
Mr.Nobarker- "Very well indeed thank you. Please allow me to pay my compliments to nature on that lampost near you."
Miss Lacie- "Oh you are so kind."(smiling coquettishly).
Mr.Nobarker - "Also may I just make an effort to admonish this very insolent fly who has been continuosly bothering your behind?"
Miss Lacie - "Oh you are so kind. Pray proceed."
Mr.Nobarker - "Miss Lacie, this fragrance is wonderful, is it Davidoff or Elizabeth Arden ?"
Miss Lacie- "Oh Mr.Nobarker, You always flatter me so. Why don't you join us for lunch today? Mother has dug out some vintage cat bones and would be so delighted to see you."
Mr.Nobarker- "Oh that wonderful old bitch...she always had such a knack for searching bones..didn't she? I'll be pleased to come.
After all its raining cats and bones for lunch isnt it ...Har Har Har !"
(Note : Such attempts at humour have landed many Englishmen in jail)

Khooni Sheena and Dada GullyRaja from Kurla East also happened to meet in the morning and their conversation went somewhat like this.
Disclaimer - The blogger takes no responsibility of the kind of language used below and has merely presented a transliteration of the actual dialouge.

Dada GullyRaja-- "Kameeni kahan thi raat bhar, bulaya tha peet khujane ko..aayee kyon nahi??"
Khooni Sheena -- "Aye chirkut, bhankas band kar re...subhe se waisich dimaag ka pech dhila hoyela hain"
Dada GullyRaja -- "Kayko fuljhari ban rakhi hain be???..Kisi Pandu ne laath maarke uthaya kya tereko ya subhe subhe Chatri Gang se panga le ke aa reli hain ??? "
Khooni Sheena -- "Are Nahi re ..Gayi thi Bandra Kurla ka chakkar lagane ko...Wohan Memsahab log morning vaak karne ko aata hain aur jaate jaate Biskoot bhi khilata hain aisa mereko woh Langda Tony bola..."
Dada GullyRaja -- "Phir ?"
Khooni Sheena -- "To apun jaake pahucha ...do teen aunty log baithele bhi the....Ek do baar paas jakar poonch hilakar Vyajantimala jaisa haseen bhi diya ..pan sala biskoot to kya ek mumphali tak nahi diya aur upar se Shooo Shooo Dirty Dog, Dirty Dog karge bhaga diya.....Khaali Peeli neend khoti kiya saala..
Aur dekh kismat apun ka ....Usi time me Moonicipalty wale bhi aakar sab Garbage lekar kalti...Kal woh Chopra ke wohan chicken bana tha ....Chamaila...ek haddi tak nahi mila...."
Dada GullyRaja --"Hmmm...bad day.....chal apun jaata hain abhi...Woh Kurla sewage ka Naala kiske territory me aata hain uska decision hain aaj.....apun ke favour me nahi gaya na to kutton ki maut marunga salon ko."
Khooni Sheena- "Chal phoot le."



While Miss Lacie would have a delightful lunch and look forward to a cozy siesta in her new Danish Design Snozeee bed, Khooni Sheena would consider it lucky if she managed to fight out a piece of rotten bread for herself and is not run over by a speeding truck by the end of the day.

The world is so diverse isn't it?

40 comments:

Sudipta Chatterjee said...

Hhahaha... hilarious just as usual.

The important thing is, how did you understand all that bow-wow talk? Do we have a Desi Dr. Dolittle in the making? :D

Utsav Mamoria said...

Hehe this ensures that while I am benchwarming
I have somewhere to wander about
Just an afterthought

The state of dogs in the country represents the state of the nation

Wanderlust said...

@Sudipta ---One needs no special skills my friend...Some years in the Indian software industry and u soon learn the tricks of learning just about any language on earth..Comparitively this was easier than Java though.....

@utsav
As some great person once said..
"The dogs are the mirrors to a nation"
(p.s--it may have been me who said this )

Kusum Rohra said...

Khooni Sheena? ROTFL Mr. Nobarker?

Dude this goes straight into my collection for the next loony mela.

The conversations are brilliant. Thanks for making my monday morning move.

Rajarshi said...

You have driven home a sad but nevertheless true fact of life that there will always be disparities even if u call them "diversity"..the humour was excellent..the british english coversation made me remember the writings of Conan Doyle..do the British really use such English in their day-to-day conversations.

Princess Stefania said...

aah! I don't speak Hindi. But based on the typical British conversation, I can take a wild guess.
;)
Nice one.

wanderlust said...

really hilarious especially the prim and propah english conversation

Wanderlust said...

@kusum ---I am honoured. Your last collection was brilliant.

@raj-- Ha Ha ..no mate ..the English are quite human these days.

@princess-- Ah...sorry about that..I had a wish to translate it into English but it was just taking the spice away.

@wanderlust-Thanks namesake..good to see you back here..

silverine said...

Amazing isnt it that the dogs take after the local people...!!!

Wanderlust said...

@silverine -- Or I wonder if it is the other way round :-)

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